sorry i can’t be your manic pixie dream girl [poem]

i have 27 new texts
because i made 18 new friends last night
made plans with them all
told them i'd take them out to brunch
can't remember their names
was too drunk off the vodka i stole
switched my major three times
spent $65 on art supplies
figured i'd be the next van gogh
first, teach myself how to paint
i pick up new hobbies.
starting websites
knitting sweaters
learning the guitar
maxing out my credit cards
don't have time for it to get declined
because i have to shop online
- expensive shoes
- the camera i've always dreamt of
- 15 new shirts that might not fit
- jewelry that i won't wear
- some jeans since i need a new pair
(i don't)
paranoia that management will know
i'm not okay
coming into the leasing office to get packages
twice a day
hey man, you okay?
i mean i haven't slept in five fucking days...
it's 4 am
i'm wide awake
baked myself a three-layer cake
i'm scrubbing the floors
and painting my walls
tried to call my parents for fun
stopped myself so they don't call 911
my roommate thanks me in the morning
for cleaning the kitchen
vacuumming the apartment
doing all the things i couldn't do when i was too
low
i offer her a piece of my cake.
lovely how things turn out for me
spend six months in depression
suddenly i'm out
a little vacation away from hell
thanks mania!
you are treating me well
all fun and games
the manic brain
neurotransmitters gone haywire
yet only lasts so long
four days or four weeks
and it backfires
because eventually you
crash
you're doing something and in the / middle /
you feel nothing
become numb
start to crawl
back into the black hole you already know
guess it's that time of year again
rendezvous with depression
my good old friend
the dark side is always the worst of all
but the upsides of my up side
are worth the fall.

cyanide seed [poem]

i wake up at 3:27 pm
and down my meds with diet coke

10mg for when i feel numb
25mg once a day for anxiety
300mg tastes bitter and makes me gag

//

quit romanticizing my suffering
depression is not cute
i am not quirky for not having showered in two weeks
for having showered my floors with empty pizza boxes.

my
body
aches
because i haven't
left my bed in days
stains on my sheets
the color of cheeto crumbs
traces of mascara adorning my pillowcases
my thoughts scrambled like eggs

i trace my fingers along my pale
naked legs
bruised like peaches.

Snippets of an old diary

sunday april 16

i’m just having intrusive thoughts again i can’t get out of my head it hurts so bad i just play all these made-up situations in my head and think that they’re actually going to happen i just worry so much about everything and it gives me such bad anxiety i’m scared of being alone i’m scared

i just have this aching pain in my stomach and it’s like this giant empty pit that never gets better

sometimes i just want to chug a glass of wine or down some shots of vodka i feel like i smoke weed now because i just have nothing else to do and it makes me not feel like myself at least for a little while

i just spiral out of control in my head because i feel as though i have no control 

monday april 17

we went to a bar/nightcub last night […] and it was really fun but also like i was trying not to be anxious because settings like that freak me out

tuesday april 18

i got 4 and a half hours of sleep two nights ago and last night i slept like 10 hours so i’m really not doing anything good for my mental health

i’m honestly planning on getting so fucking drunk i’ll even take shots of vodka and maybe just black out and throw up and just try to forget about my anxiety for once 

also i hate my tits.

wednesday april 19

why are you creating these mental images of things that will never happen

friday april 21

whoops

i got really high

thursday april 27

i fucking took shots of TEQUILA it was so gross and i drank a fuck ton of beer i ended up actually barfing at the end of the night we went to a party too but it turned out that it had already ended and then we went to another party

tuesday may 9

i think i need to start

  • waking up early
  • going to the gym
  • eating healthy
  • cooking meals
  • cutting down a lil on smoking
  • staying away from drinking

I WANT TO BE SKINNY

friday august 2

i don’t know if i […] anymore. it hurts.

Medicated: tales from the pharmacy waiting room

I woke up this morning in the worst possible way: roused from a deep sleep, mid-dream, by a knock at my front door. Mind you, I dread waking up by any means, but I despise it especially after a night of more-than-mediocre slumber, something I don’t experience often. But the knocks continue, and my anxiety consequently kicks in, my heart pounding like the visitor’s knuckles against the wooden entry, as I consider all the possibilities of who’s producing the dreaded noise I cannot ignore.

My first assumption is always the police, belly full of donuts, with a warrant for my arrest. Maybe they found leaked video footage of freshman me stealing Four Loko from the local gas station mart four years ago, or my now-of-age self buying vodka for minors at the liquor store down the street. I remind myself, in hopes of calming myself down, that it may just be the usual Jehovah’s witnesses, the postman, or someone who simply meant to go to apartment 28 two doors down but instead wound up at mine.

I answer the door, albeit reluctantly. It’s my unofficial roommate, a couch-surfer who relies on my futon for sleep and my one-bedroom apartment for shelter, who stumbles in. It’s the first day of her post-undergrad job and she’s late, also drunk. I can smell the scent of built-up acetaldehyde, the devil behind hangovers, from each breath. 

“I went to Brendyn’s apartment last night to go get the shit I had left but then his roommates were there and they just quit their jobs, so I decided to join in on the celebration.” I chuckle at the irony. “I also did some cocaine. But only two lines”, she reassures me. I hear the sound of the toilet seat opening, followed by a loud post-vomit FUUUUUUCK.

Thirty minutes later, nearly fifteen minutes late to her first day, she’s gone and I decide to get out of bed. I down my meds with yesterday’s leftover pumpkin spice latte and am out the door, ready to get more of both.

I sit awkwardly on the dainty couch in my psychiatrist’s office, my body weight shifting every few seconds due to nerves and excessive caffeine. We talk for a while and she asks how I am, even though she already knows the answer. I tell her I’m unwell. I tell her that I sometimes don’t leave the house for days, my hypersomnia prevents me from receiving adequate nutrition, and I’ve officially stopped going to class and turning in assignments. I’ve even missed a midterm. With little to no hesitation, she advises me to drop out of the semester, despite finals being next week. I’ve already done so, not formally with the university registrar, but mentally. I have not yet mustered the courage to go to the dean’s office, a room located at the very bottom of a cold cinderblock building (quite fitting, I would say). Confronting someone of higher authority, like the police officers I thought were behind my door one hour prior, frightens me. And so I’ve put it off.

In the meantime, Dr. M decides to increase my dose of lamotrigine, an anticonvulsant prescribed for epilepsy that doubles as a mood stabilizer. This marks the first time I’ve increased my dosage in nearly two years. The addition of fifty milligrams to my already whopping three hundred feels like a slap in the face. It’s hard to accept that I’m sick again.

I smile, however, at the Klonopin refill form I grasp firmly in my hands like treasure. Controlled substances are federally regulated and attempting to obtain a prescription nowadays often raises an eyebrow. Benzodiazepines, in particular, are notoriously susceptible to abuse and/or addiction. As a result, I tense up when I ask my psychiatrist for more, both of us secretly fearing that I may succumb to its perilous consequences.

As I wait for my medication— the pink circles that make me slur my words and the pink ovals that attempt to keep me sane— I glance around the pharmacy and people-watch discreetly. All of us are here because we are sick in some way or another, contagious or not. The fear of the unknown results in personal space as common courtesy. The three other people waiting and I obey this unspoken rule, each of us sitting on opposite sides of the room.

The pharmacist is taking longer than usual to call me over, so I find ways to keep myself preoccupied. I make an origami crane out of the the take-a-number tag I was given. I assign medical conditions and prescriptions to each of us in here. The girl in front of me twiddles her thumbs, her head down, making sure to not make eye contact. I armchair diagnose her with panic disorder. She looks like she could be a Lexapro girl, perhaps with a side of Xanax. The other girl, a few seats away, is glued to her phone. I see her Instagram feed scroll as her freshly manicured index finger swipes down the cracked screen. I can’t figure out what she’s waiting for, she looks so normal. Vitamins? Birth control? I give up. The last person, a young boy in a hoodie and sweats, coughs into his elbow and then clears his throat. Penicillin for strep, the mononucleosis of college. I’ve been down that road.

My number, 56, is eventually called. The pharmacy technician, an older lady with strawberry blonde hair who’s always cheerful, throws three orange bottles into a brown bag. I verify my name and then birthday, and I can’t help but think that she most likely has them memorized since I see her so frequently and only asks due to policy. I’m reminded of the Domino’s pizza delivery guy and the Starbucks barista, and I add cheerful pharm tech to my list.

Walking back to my car with my baggie full of pharmaceuticals, I sing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” that played in the waiting room.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows

I then drive home, pop half a fresh-out-of-the-pharmacy Klonopin, and go back to sleep.

A year of firsts

Typically when I start a new blog, I’m manic. This year, however, is a year of firsts. Below is a list of some that have occurred since the start of 2018.

  • Broke a bone. Ironically, on the first day of the year. Spent two weeks on crutches.
  • Lost a best friend, made a new one, and then lost that one too.
  • Blacked out from alcohol. On a Monday. This became a regular occurrence.
  • Tried Klonopin. Downed it with vodka. See above.
  • Flunked a semester at school.
  • Fell into a depressive episode after a year and a half of stability.

The last one is why for the fifth or twenty-fifth time, I am starting a blog. RIP to all the hours of hovering over my computer until sunrise, frantically messing with HTML on yet another Tumblr account of mine. Sleep is not part of a manic brain’s vocabulary. Man, do I miss her though.

Depression, like cheap red wine, is one sneaky bitch. You’ve been doing alright for some time when suddenly you don’t even care about the things you love, your Prozac stops working, and you wake up with a pounding headache because you slept 12 hours last night and missed all of your classes. And maybe a physics quiz. You wouldn’t know since you haven’t checked the syllabus in weeks.

My room, once spick-and-span, now drowns in dirty clothes and empty plastic cups. Laundry has been on my to-do list since mid-November. The walk to the laundry facility across from my apartment now exhausts me. I no longer eat. When I do, it’s thanks to the Domino’s pizza delivery guy who most likely now knows my name, as does the Starbucks barista who occasionally treats me to the pumpkin spice lattes I consider meals. I drink one as I write this.

I don’t know how to end this and I’m not sure if this blog will end up in the graveyard with my others. Maybe instead it will end up on my list of firsts.